


August 2004

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [14]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-27 13:19:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/662450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The summer of 2004 holds many fears, joys and horrors for Clark. The worse of those fears: Lex finds someone else and marries her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	August 2004

01 August @ 11:29 pm

Life totally sucks. I have the worse timing in the history of timing.

 

02 August @ 04:44 pm

I said the safe word. I was scared. I panicked. 

It was way scarier than I thought. You know when you say you want something, but when you're actually there it's a whole other story. I was there. I begged Lex to do to me what I have done to him many times. It feels so good when I do it. I wanted him to take me, but I was afraid and I froze and couldn't go through with it. He was amazing. It was perfect. Everything was perfect, except me. I fell apart. I was the one who screwed up.

I'm not ready. I thought I was. I really did. I dreamed about him in me, taking every inch of me. He was so wonderful. I said 'cherry pie' and he stopped everything.

I feel so dumb now in the light of day. Last night I was scared. Maybe that's too harsh a word. All I can remember was thinking that I couldn't do it. I tensed up and couldn't relax even though Lex was being amazing and gentle. He didn't get angry or frustrated with me. He held me in his arms, and said words that made me feel better. I think everything is going to be fine. I hope. 

I keep thinking about the moment when I was under him. In that moment, when he was about to enter me, I was too afraid to go through with it. I thought for sure that when I got there I would want it. But I didn't. I don't. I'm not ready for this at all. It's so stupid. I should be. I've done things with him already. How is this different? He can't hurt me.

@ 11:08 pm

I talked to my mom about the nightmares. She didn't have much to say except that she felt bad that I have to lie to Lex. It was nice to have her there to hold. I miss the days when I would curl up next to her. I'm way too big for that now. I tower over her. But it was nice to have her hand on my head and her arms around me. 

She said we'd figure something out, but I'm not really sure what that means. She also said she understands that a relationship based on lies will eventually fall apart. Are we doomed? Am I condemning my relationship with Lex by not telling him?

It should be easy. He loves me. I love him, but it isn't that easy.

I didn't tell mom about what happened between Lex and me. I couldn't imagine trying to tell her that Lex almost penetrated me during sex. I did ask if she'd do my deliveries for me. I did all the picking, since I can do it in five seconds, and loaded the truck. When she got back, I wanted to ask if she'd talked to Lex. Somehow she knew and the first thing she said was that she didn't run into him. I was kind of hoping that maybe she would. Maybe she could talk to him; tell him that I'm not feeling well or something. Or say something mom-like to make him feel fine.

I kid myself when I say things are going to be okay. I know they won't. He's never going to want to fuck me now. I was really surprised he didn't kick me out after. I even asked if he wanted me to leave. He should have told me to leave, because after it was over, I had no idea what to do or say. We just lay there, barely talking. 

Now it's pouring rain outside. That totally suits my mood.

 

03 August @ 08:47 am

You should think about the consequences of your actions. Lex's words.

I guess he's really angry with me. I know this was meant as a jab. I don't always think things through, but sometimes I have to act fast. I can't help if my body moves before my brain even knows what happened. 

On top of that, I had the nightmare again last night. I'm really starting to wish that my alien ness came with no dreams. Why can't that be one of my abilities? Stupid dreams: Stupid alien mind. It was the same dream as always. Lex finds out and tells me he hates me and I beg him not to leave me. 

Mom gave me this sympathetic look at breakfast this morning. I must have looked really pathetic. I hardly slept at all. She made pancakes. Luckily dad didn't notice. He never notices unless mom points it out. All he told me was he needs me to move this huge boulder in the backfield. I just grunted and went back up to my room. Then dad came up to talk to me to find out what's wrong. I told him I felt sick, which doesn't work for somebody who never gets sick unless there are ugly green meteor rocks around.

He left me alone and said that he expected me to do the work in the afternoon. I forgot to tell dad that I'm going to be helping Feegan with his house renovations. I think I'll go by there today and start to work on that. I could use some money anyway. My allowance isn't very much and Feegan plans on paying me for my time. 

I'm going to tell mom in a few minutes. Or better yet, I'll just tell her now and head over. 

It's going to be a bad day. I can tell already. Maybe I should just go over to talk to Lex and get it over with. I wish he would scream at me, and tell me off, or something. If he's really angry with me for backing out then I wish he'd tell me instead of pretending things are fine.

 

04 August @ 08:08 am

Yesterday was an amazing day. I wasn't really sure when I went to bed last night what to think, but this morning I feel hopeful about everything.

I spent most of the day over at Feegan's, helping him with the renovations on the house. We got a lot of work done. I felt really pleased with how much was accomplished. I do so much work around the farm, but this was different. It gives me a chance to get away from farm work. 

I'm going over again today to do more work.

Lex and I went for a ride. He seemed really angry with me at first, but we talked things out. I needed to realize that I'm in a serious relationship with somebody else and I have to respect that. I think he thought I was going to break it off. I can't believe he would think that he thought he screwed up.

It doesn't matter now. We're moving on and things are better. I told him I wasn't ready to take that step. He thinks that maybe I might never be ready. I don't know. I can't tell. I want to do it. I want to feel that way with him, but I need to be emotionally ready and I know now that I'm not. I need to think about the consequences of my actions more. I know that sometimes I act before thinking. In this case I acted and Lex is glad I acted and didn't just do it because he wanted it. I almost did.

I also told him that I was afraid I would disappoint him and not live up to his vision of me. He laughed and said that could never happen, but he doesn't get it. He doesn't know that one of my biggest fears is that nobody will love me. Or that they will find out something about me that will make them realize I'm not what they thought.

That was really hard to write.

I think Lex just sees me as this perfect person. I felt like he thought that I wouldn't love him just because he wanted this from me. I hope he understood. I'm sure that he gets that I love him. What's important is that he wants me no matter what. It's so much more than that. I know it is, but I can't even go to those other places. It hurts too much. 

After we talked, we kissed. It was the most amazing kiss ever. His lips felt like - absolution.

 

05 August @ 07:57 pm

I'm on top of the world today. Everything went right for me. I woke up early and mom and dad were already having breakfast. They were happy and cute together. I didn't even complain about the PDA right in front of the young, impressionable kid.

I took off to go work on Feegan's house some more. He wasn't there again, and I found out why when I took a break to go to the mansion. He and Lex were busy working in the mansion office. Feegan was in no shape for hard labor. He was bruised and beaten badly. Apparently he'd had some run-in at a bar with a bunch of thugs.

I have to admit, at first when I saw Feegan all beaten up, I thought that maybe he and Lex had gotten into a fight, but Lex didn't have a scratch on him.

I talked Lex into going for a short drive with me in the truck. He didn't even complain about the messiness. If you saw the way he dresses and the way he carries himself, you'd find it hard to believe that he didn't demand we take one of his cars. Not that he's a snob, just a car snob. I can't wait until I can afford my own vehicle. Whatever it is it will be large with big wheels, and a huge cab with tons of legroom. I have really long legs and getting into those tiny European things can be uncomfortable. I wish I could have said yes to that truck he offered me. That truck rocked.

Despite that, it was a nice drive. I felt relaxed and conversation was easy. Lex told me about some business stuff he was working on which I have no clue about, but it was nice that he shared it with me. He has to go away again on a business trip for a few days. We were interrupted by a phone call just as we were about to get hot and heavy. It was his dad, Mr. Big.

His dad is out of the hospital, which is nice. He invited Lex to have dinner in the city with him. 

I asked Lex if we could do something on Saturday. I don't really know what we're doing, but I'm sure whatever it is I'll have a lot of fun. After we kissed goodbye, I went back to Feegan's house to finish off some of the work I'd started. It is a really nice house. I can't believe he's going to live there alone. The wrap-around porch is amazing. I made sure to fix every board that creaked so now it's 100 percent solid. 

I got home just in time for dinner. Dad questioned how much time I'm put into this house renovation project. It's only been a few days and already he thinks I'm shirking my home duties. Of course, right after we had dinner, dad listed everything that didn't get done, since I was elsewhere. I was too happy, so I told my parents to enjoy some time together while I did the chores. 

 

06 August @ 09:52 pm

I just came back from a party by the lake. Pete had a date, (thank you Pete for making me the third wheel), wanted me to come along. I found out why. He practically set me up on a blind date. It wasn't technically a blind date, but his date brought a friend. I could tell she wasn't pleased. I don't blame Cindy. I wasn't thrilled about being set up either. 

Cindy used to date one of the football players who strung me up in the cornfield. But Pete didn't say it was an actual date. I left as soon as he took off with his date. For me the party was over before it started. Of course the first thing Pete said to me was that I should stop mooning over Lana. If only he knew. I just kept my mouth shut. It's better to let him keep thinking that I am waiting for Lana.

I spent most of today at Feegan's house. After I did some work on the renovations, I relaxed in the living room. I started to imagine what it would be like to have my own place. I sort of already do have my own space. It's not totally private since it's in the barn and anybody can just walk in any time they want, but it's still my 'fortress of solitude.'

I'm going to spend the rest of the night stargazing and wondering what Lex is up to. I know he went to the city tonight to have dinner with his father. I hope it goes well. At least I get to see Lex tomorrow night. We have a date.

Now I'm going to sneak ice cream and pie from my mom.

 

07 August @ 11:58 pm

When Lex and I had the conversation about forever, how could I tell Lex that forever might mean literally forever for me? In that vision that Cassandra had of me she said that I was surrounded by gravestones of all the people in my life. What if I do outlive everybody? We have no idea what my people are like. We don't know anything about me at all except that I look human. So far, I've aged at the same rate as all the other kids around me, but what if that changes.

Lex asked me what was going through my mind while we talked, and that was only one of the things I was thinking about at the time.

I know I said something wrong when we talked. Whenever we talk seriously, and I say something wrong Lex gets this look in his eyes. I don't think he realizes he does it. I used to think that he was unreadable, but slowly I am beginning to recognize the nuances. 

When I hurt Lex I can see the subtle change in his expressions. Now that I know what to look for, I see it every time. I'm ashamed to admit that last night I looked away.

He said he doesn't want to put pressure on me about the 'forever' thing, and I just said okay. How do I tell him?

 

08 August @ 12:18 am

I can't stop thinking about the look on Lex's face. I dressed up real nice tonight for our date. I spent all day doing everything dad asked just so that when I did say that I was going over to the mansion, he'd be fine with it. He didn't even look up from working on the motorcycle engine. He just grunted and told me to be home by curfew.

I arrived at the mansion at around seven and Lex already had a nice dinner set up for us. We mostly talked about neutral subjects since I didn't want to bring up his dad unless he did. I wasn't surprised that he never once brought it up. He seemed fine and relaxed. I didn't want to spoil the evening.

After dinner we went up to his entertainment room and watched a movie. We weren't that into the movie so we turned it off and the conversation grew intense. He said that he really means it when he says forever, and that he feels that I'm the one. He said we have a destiny together. He's said this before a few times, but I really didn't take him seriously. I do think that our lives are forever linked. I just never figured it would be this way. I wanted him to know that if there were no constraints put on us by society, I would gladly be his in the public eye. The conversation got a heavier so I lightened things up and changed the subject.

Then we had a little bit of fun; the kind of fun that involved nudity and wetness. I sucked him off, and then he let me top him. After everything that happened between us he still let me fuck him. I was surprised and the whole time I was on top of him, our bodies locked, I couldn't look him in the eyes. I pressed my face against his sweat-damp skin and wrapped my arms around him. It was different from the other times we'd had sex. This time it was slow, and I was careful not to bruise him. He didn't say anything nor did he urge me to thrust harder. I wanted the pace to be slow this time. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want him to be hurt. I wanted to love him. The only thing he told me was to never stop. I wanted to never stop. I lasted a lot longer than I ever have with him. It was intense.

@ 09:53 pm

The renovation on the house if finished and Feegan has paid me, I went for a long walk. I almost got lost in a field, which was kind of cool since I could pretend that I was the only person for miles. I actually fell asleep for a few hours. When I got home dad freaked out, saying he'd called Feegan and was told that I'd left hours before. It really made me angry when he told me he'd needed me for some fence repair that he couldn't do. He wasn't upset because I might have been in danger.

I should probably go do it now. I kind of stormed off. Sometimes I want to run and keep going. 

Mom cooked my favorite dinner so that made me feel much better. Now I'm going to read and crash on the sofa. Lex left early this morning to go on his business trip and he said he'd be out of touch until Wednesday night. I'll miss him but I plan on keeping myself busy so that the days will go by fast.

I'm going to ask my parent if I can go visit Chloe in the city next weekend. 

 

10 August @ 09:33 pm

I had yet another super-exciting day here on the farm. My life could not get more exciting. Several times I've now mentioned to mom that Chloe called from the city. I tried to hint that maybe I could go visit her, but that didn't work. I must not have hinted hard enough. Either that or mom wants me to say it outright. I will say it outright tomorrow. Something very exciting did happen, one of the cows got loose. I guess it's not that exciting, but it's something to talk about. The cow is fine. I ended up in the mud, trying to catch her. I suffered the humiliation of being outsmarted by a bovine.

I went over to Pete's house for dinner. His family was having a big barbecue. He's going out of town for a week starting this Wednesday to go camping with his dad and two of his brothers. We talked about girls and I asked him never to fix me up like that again. He said he was sorry and that from now on he'd let me run my own love life. I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I screw up sometimes, but don't we all. I told him that I'm very in love with somebody already. He assumed I meant Lana. I didn't say a word when he brought up her name. After that, things were great and we shot some hoops. It was nice to be relaxed with him again. That whole blind-non-date thing really made me uneasy. 

I sort of felt like I was betraying Lex, or that I would have betrayed Lex if I had pretended to like that girl. Maybe that sounds stupid. I just can't do it. I made a mental promise to myself never to pretend to like somebody else. I don't like hurting other people. 

 

12 August @ 11:23 pm

I was so excited all day because I knew that Lex was home. I knew that at the end of my workday I would get to see him. I worked all day then did the deliveries. I asked mom if it was possible that I could go to the city on the weekend. I forgot to mention that to Lex. We were kind of busy.

As soon as I saw him, he locked the door of his office and we kissed. It was long and lingering and there was heavy petting involved. I told him that I thought about him every single night. I daydreamed about him. I fantasized about touching him and being touched by him. 

I wanted more but I had to leave almost right after.

After dinner, I asked mom about going to the city. At first I told her that I could stay with Chloe, but then she wanted to talk to the person Chloe was staying with. So I had to tell her that I could stay with Lex because he has a place in the city. Chloe's cousin Lois has a small apartment and I wouldn't want to intrude.

 

13 August @ 11:16 am

It's been overcast for days. After I finished posting last night, I went inside, showered and collapsed in my bed. I hadn't even realized how tired I was until my head hit the sheets. I slept later than I have in ages. It feels so good. I feel much better. I know what I'm going to do for most of the morning. The sun is finally out so I think I'm going to bathe in it. I love the feeling of the heat of the suns rays on my body. I feel more alive and powerful. I wonder if that's normal for my people.

I really like it when Lex talks dirty. I will never admit that out loud, but it's so sexy. Yesterday when he whispered in my ear about what he wanted to do to me and jerked me off at the same time, I felt like my heart would explode. Usually when I jerk off, I imagine his mouth. I image him kissing my body or sucking me off with his warm, wet mouth. That's all it takes. I hardly ever get past that. Tonight if all goes well, we should be in Metropolis, staying at his penthouse. Free to do whatever we please with no fear of interruptions or inference.

When Lex told me he wants to have sex on his desk, I didn't really know what to say. My fantasies aren't that elaborate or that voyeuristic. I just want to do stuff like hold him or maybe do it by candlelight. It's totally embarrassing that my fantasies so mundane, but that's what I want.

 

14 August @ 09:12 am

Lex let me drive his Ferrari into the city. I love that red car. It's such a nice drive. The apartment he has in the city is really nice. We stayed in last night and just ordered in pizza. He told me about the things he used to do to rebel. I think being his friend is probably the most rebellious I've even been. Okay maybe being his lover is really rebellious, too.

We did a lot of making out as well. At first my heart pounded in my chest when we started to undress but then I realized that no one would interrupt and that we were safe to do anything we pleased. Once I got past that, the sex was amazing. I sat and watched as Lex stripped for me and then he sat in my lap and rode me. I held his hips and I couldn't take my eyes off his. When he came, we kissed. I flipped him onto his back and fucked him. It was liberating and fucking fantastic.

Today we're going to go see Chloe and Lana. I haven't seen Chloe since the end of school year. I'm looking forward to it.

Lex acts so different here. He seems way more comfortable, more relaxed. He smiled more here.

I have to go get ready. Lex is taking me shopping for some new clothes and then we're walking around the city. So far it's interesting. I'm not much of a city person. It feels too crowded.

Another thing that sucks about the city is that I can't see as many stars.

 

15 August @ 04:47 am

We did so much this weekend. First Lex and I went to brunch with Chloe and Lana. The only thing that I found annoying was Chloe's cousin Lois She is so nosy! At least she hardly paid any attention to me. She mostly just harassed Lex. I really do not like her at all. Lex was not cool with how she grilled him. Reporters are annoying. I suppose that comes with the territory.

I didn't really have anything interesting to talk about. Lana has been taking courses, which sound great. She talked mostly about that, though I sensed a weird vibe between her and Chloe. I think they had a fight or something. I'm going to call Chloe some time this week to talk private and see if everything is okay. 

After brunch Lex and I went off to do some shopping. I usually hate to shop for clothes. This wasn't too bad. The store we shopped at was a specialty men's clothing store, and nothing had price tags. At first I complained because I didn't want him to spend too much money on me. He let me choose what I wanted. I ended up picking out a pair of black Levi jeans, and a nice black short sleeve dress shirt. I figured they probably didn't cost too much. I'm not much of a fashion plate. I really like the jeans a lot. They're comfortable.

We had dinner in a nice, quiet restaurant first, and then later on in the evening, Lex took me to a club. It was my first time in a place like that, and I have to say, people hardly wear any clothes when they go out. It was a hot night, but I saw one girl who had on this tiny halter thing. You could see everything. What's the point in that? 

It was an interesting experience, but I don't think I'd want to go again. Lex looked really comfortable and he met up with some old friends. He introduced me to everybody, but the music was so loud. 

I didn't want to ruin his night, but I guess Lex could tell that I wasn't really enjoying myself that much. I guess looking at my watch every five minutes kind of gave it away.

We left around midnight and walked around the city for an hour. We went home after and I needed a shower right away. I felt grimy and dirty. 

Lex joined me in the shower and after we took things to the bedroom. It was different than last night. Last night it was slow and there was this connection between us that I can't explain. Tonight it was raw. I wanted him badly. It might have had something to do with the way other people were looking at him at the club. I remember thinking that they can look all they want, but they would never be able to touch.

I just woke up. He's still asleep, but for some reason I can't get back to sleep. The sounds of the city woke me. I went out to the balcony for a while then came back inside. I wonder if Lex would mind if I woke him up.

 

16 August @ 11:16 am

I think mom really liked the gift I got for her. I saw this thing in a window on Saturday and it made me think of my mom, so I picked it up for her. 

I got home late last night. I feel so refreshed now, and I'm actually looking forward to doing some work this week. I feel renewed. 

Lex took me to the botanical gardens before heading home. It was nice to see all those flowers in the heart of downtown. After that, we walked around the city. We ended up in Chinatown. I really liked all the interesting shops. That was where I got the gift for my mom. I saw it in this small shop. 

The city is so different from our small town. There are so many people and they always seem to be awake. 

I liked it but at the same time I don't think I'd want to ever live there. I would like to go to other cities to see what they're like. I want to travel one day, but I think I'll always want to come back here where I grew up. Or maybe I won't. I feel this way now, but there is a small part of me that really wanted to stay in the city and explore some more. We only had a chance to see a small part of it. 

I just finished up my morning chores. I can tell that made dad very happy. He was almost shocked when I told him to relax while I did all the chores on my own. I get to take a few hours for myself and then I have to prepare the deliveries for this afternoon.

 

17 August @ 11:44 am

I spent this morning with dad. We had to fix a fence in the far field because something broke through it. I felt meteor sick for a second then it went away. It was weird. 

Dad and I had a very intense conversation. He asked me about my weekend in the city. I was a little surprised when he wanted to know details about what I did while there. My first thought was that mom had put him up to it. I remember when I first started going to school. Dad used to ask how my day was almost every day. At first I was totally thrilled but then I quickly realized he just wanted to make sure I hadn't done something to reveal my gifts. It was disheartening. 

This time I held myself in check. I knew why he was asking. He wanted to make sure I hadn't told Lex about my secret heritage. I reassured him that I hadn't. He looked me in the eye and told me that it was more than that. I hate when dad does that. I know he cares about me. I think he doesn't get that I'm growing up, or that I'm changing.

After that we had a nice conversation. I told him all about how great Lex is to me and that he doesn't treat me like a kid. I told him that Lex challenges me intellectually. I almost told him about my real relationship with Lex. I wanted to. I want my dad to know that Lex would never hurt me no matter what. I don't think dad believes that Lex would hurt me. I'm sure he realizes how much my friendship means to Lex. Dad is just so paranoid. I guess he has a right to be. Who knows what would happen if the wrong person found out that alien life is out there, and that it walks around in flannel. Phelan and Nixon proved that some people would only want to exploit me. They won't be the last. 

No matter what, I know Lex never would. 

I couldn't tell dad about Lex and me. I think I'm going to talk to mom about how I should handle it. Maybe mom feel him out, or something. Or sweet-talk him so that he'll be okay with it. I hate keeping this from him. I always had mom and dad there for me. In a weird way, I miss that. I know that I can't tell them everything the way I used to. 

I talked to Chloe last night. I was really worried that she and Lana had broken up. The way they were acting at lunch the other day I thought for sure it was over between them. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong but she did say that if she needed somebody to talk to she'd call. She probably won't call. After all, she has her cousin, Lois to talk to. I bet Lois knows. I hate when people make me feel the way Lois made me feel. She almost completely ignored me. I guess that was a good thing. I don't know. I thought for sure that was over a long time ago, but I guess I still give off that freak loser vibe. I hope she couldn't tell that I was with Lex.

The weekend was interesting. I have to admit I was afraid that I would float or something equally telling, but luckily I didn't. I feel a little ashamed at the fact that I freaked out that time when Lex wanted me on the bottom. I can't bring myself to ask him ever again so maybe now it will never happen. Maybe it's for the best. I think maybe sometimes I make him unhappy. He gets this sad look in his eyes and I can tell I said or did something wrong. I never know what, but I can tell. Maybe I'm just over thinking it. I probably am, but then again when it comes to Lex Luthor things are never easy.

For the last few days I've been thinking about the weekend and what happened in bed. I realized that I'm really at ease with Lex now. It still embarrasses me when I'm naked around him. I'm not sure why. It's not like he'll laugh at me. I guess I just feel exposed. The first night we had sex it was soft and sweet. The second night it was rough and I really enjoyed it both ways. I realize that sex can be different things. Sometimes it's just about scratching an itch and that's all right. I grew up with these notions that it was supposed to always be soft. Most of my life I figured I'd never get there because of my strength, but Lex loves my strength. I bet he wouldn't love it so much if I hurt him. So far all I've done is leave a few bruises that went away after a few days.

I have a lot of work to do today. The tractor needs to be fixed, again. At least this time I only have to lift it while dad checks it out. I also have hay to bale. That is so much fun!

 

18 August @ 12:03 pm

Lex came over late last night. It was so nice to just sit and talk. We barely touched and I have to say, after he left, I was really turned on. It was amazing. He has the most incredibly hypnotic sexy voice. I loved just sitting there and listening to him talk. His stories about Wales made the place sound so wonderful. I can't wait to go there some day. I would love to travel around the world. Maybe I could do that backpack across Europe thing some day. That would be so cool, and maybe I could ask Lex to come with me. That would be even cooler. We could travel around the countryside and sleep under the stars. 

Last night I felt close to him. I broke the no kissing rule (the one my mom made ages ago) and just gave him one quick kiss on the lips. After he left I had to go back inside and jerk off twice, once in the shower and once before falling asleep. I couldn't get the thought of how soft his lips felt out of my mind. The feel of his fingers brushing against mine totally turns me on.

 

21 August @ 11:32 pm

I did something really careless so now I'm grounded for the rest of the summer. It totally sucks, but Lex left today on another business trip. He won't be back until school starts. 

Mom and I had a long talk. Mostly I listened and she yelled at me for being so unthinking. I got angry and broke a few things and to punish me mom is making me pay for them out of my own pocket. This means I have to work for the next few weeks. That suits me fine since Lex won't be around. 

After our talk, I helped mom with the baked goods she was making for delivery. We had to deliver some to the Talon. I got a chance to talk to Lana. She's going away to see a friend in another state. She and Chloe have been having a hard time lately.

Earlier today Lana and I went horseback riding. We weren't allowed to leave my property but at least I could go with her. I had a great time, and she talked all about her trip. 

I did get to see Lex one last time on Friday night. We spent almost two hours together. Mom gave us complete privacy, which really surprised me. I wasn't sure that she would do that, but she cut me some slack this time. Now he's gone and I miss him already.

It was so nice to see him. He looked so good and I just couldn't keep my hands off him. I wanted him to stay with me forever, but I know that isn't possible. No matter what I want, I have to understand that Lex has this whole other life that I can't really be a part of. We talked about that, and he made me feel better that he always has to go away like this.

I broke the no kissing rule in a big way. We didn't just kiss; we had this moment where everything was so connected. I felt like it wasn't just a body connection. It's so hard to describe. It was awesome; he was awesome. I've never felt so much like things were perfect between us. I can't wait for him to get back home from his trip. Things are going to be so different when he gets back. I can just tell they're going to be awesome. 

He told me all about where he's going. It sounds really cool. I can't wait to hear all about it when he gets back.

 

23 August @ 09:06 pm

Happy Birthday, Lex!!

I got his e-mail today. I understand that he's so busy, but I really wish he could have called or something. It's his birthday today! He turned 22.

~~~~~~~

The e-mail

Dear Clark,

I'm sorry I didn't write sooner. I am still recovering from jet lag, and the business meetings aren't helping me stay awake. 

Japan is crowded, and makes me wish I were home again. I miss fish that's been cooked, too.

I've turned down two invitations to karaoke. Can you imagine? 

I miss you.

Lex

I'm sending back a response to it asap.

I have so much work to do and I have to get to bed early tonight. Harvest is upon us and us farmers need to get our butts in gear.

 

24 August @ 12:02 pm

I checked my e-mail and called Lex this morning. Japan is nine hours ahead so maybe he's in a meeting or something. I didn't think he'd turn off his phone. I plan on trying again. I want to call him later when it's nighttime over there. I'll have a better chance then probably.

I miss him so much. Last night he was all I could think about. I have jerked off so many times since Lex left. I don't know what I'm going to do. He's not coming home until August 31. I can't wait! When he gets back I'm going to jump him.

The only thing I don't understand is why he isn't answering my messages. I left him a few. Even if he's so busy, I know he'd still get in touch with me. I guess maybe I'm overreacting. He said his work is very important to him.

I'm important to him, too. I know I am, but I have to understand and be more patient. I wanted so badly to talk to him on his birthday!

 

25 August @ 09:11 pm

I called Lex almost every hour yesterday and today. Not once did I get him. Every single time I called him his phone went to voicemail. It wouldn't be so bad if it was actually his voice, but it's some automated dead voice telling me to please leave a message and that Mr. Luthor will get back to me as soon as he is available. What the hell is Lex doing that he can't stop for two minutes to call me?

I must have checked e-mail a million times, but there was no new e-mail beyond that really bland one that he sent to me. He didn't even tell me that he loves me in that e-mail.

This is probably nothing, but I'm worried. He told me before he left that he might be too busy to call, but this seems so ridiculous.

 

26 August @ 05:44 pm

I don't know what to think. I finally got through to Lex only he didn't answer, some woman did. She had this voice that made my spine stiffen and the way she talked was very suggestive. When I asked to speak to Lex she said he was indisposed. The way she said it sounded like she meant in bed indisposed. Then she just hung up before I could say anything else. 

I was so angry I crushed my cell phone. It's nothing but little bits of plastic and wires now. 

Why was some woman answering his phone? I won't think for one second that he would ever cheat on me, but he's not answering my e-mails, and the only time I get through to him this happens. 

What should I do? I feel like somebody just punched me in the gut.

 

31 August @ 04:02 pm

I should just lock myself up somewhere and never come out! It's bad enough that the first day of school completely goes berserk, but then Lex shows up and the first thing he does is walk right past me to kiss the new sex education teacher. At first I thought he had heard about the fire and come to check that I was okay. I was so happy to see him for about two seconds. Then she happened; the woman who must have answered his phone when I called last week.

Lex is getting married tonight. I shoot fire out of my eyes and my whole world sucks beyond the telling of it. I have had to drink glass after glass of water since coming home from class. I set the class movie screen on fire with my eyes and I'm a total freak. 

Lex told me today at school that while he was away he met somebody new. Then he asked me to be his best man at his wedding. I was too shocked to say anything so I just agreed to do it. What could I say? We were standing outside the school with everybody around us. That woman, Desiree, was watching us very carefully. She has to know what I mean to Lex. I can't believe he'd do this to me. I just can't. 

Lex looks so happy. I think they're having sex. 

I'm so glad that the heat thing is over. It would suck if I set my room on fire. I can't believe this. This is worse than being hung on a cross, and left for dead.

I can't be Lex's best man. I just can't do it.

@ 05:52 pm

I think I'm going to be sick. I asked Lex if he really loves Desiree and when he said yes, I wanted to run as far away from there as I could.

I wish I'd never talked to him before the ceremony. He kept saying things like he was hurting that this is for the best, and that we weren't meant to be together. He said that I'm too young to understand. I was too stunned to do anything but get ready for the wedding.

I watched him with her and it was as if he was hypnotized or something, or maybe I'm just hoping this is all a bad dream and that it can't be real. She had to have done something to him. I can't even remember the wedding. I was too stunned the whole time. God! Lex looked so gorgeous.

I think I'm going to go hide in the barn and never come out again. Lex is married and I'm alone. I'm so glad my mom was there to support me. She stayed with me until the ceremony started. I would never have made it through the whole thing without her.

I can't think about this stuff right now. All of this is such bad timing. 

I think what hurt the most was when Lex told me that Desiree had said that she was there to save him. I always thought that was what I was there for.

I hate my life so much.

@ 10:35 pm

How could I have stopped it? 

I set the Talon on fire with my heat vision. I thought it would never stop. The heat just kept streaming out of my eyes. I thought for sure I was going to kill Lana. It was so horrible.

I ruined everything. My freak body ruins everything. Maybe it's for the best that Lex found somebody normal.

Lana and I went to the Talon after the wedding and we talked about how strange it is that Lex suddenly went and got married like this. I think something is not right. I didn't tell her what I thought. I don't really have any evidence to prove my suspicions.

I'm going to find out what is going on. I can't believe that Lex would do this to me. Desiree is pretty but there's something about her. She keeps watching me, and I hate that so much. I wish she'd stop. It makes me feel naked like she's undressing me with her eyes.

Feegan refused to go to the wedding. Lucky him. I've been thinking back on Lex's behavior. I tried to talk to him before the ceremony but he was so weird. It was like he expected me not to be hurt with what he'd done. There is something really strange going on. Every time Lex talked to her she would kiss him and he'd just follow her around like a puppy dog. That is not the Lex I know.

I feel so ashamed because Lex's new wife turned me on, but I couldn't help it. Lex told me it was okay to look at her because he knows she's very pretty, that wasn't why I was looking at her. I was trying to figure out what she did to Lex to get him to dump me and marry her. 

I wish I could just accept that Lex is now married to her, but I know something is up. I would never do anything to hurt Lex, but I'm very sure that Desiree is not what she seems. I'm torn. On the one hand I'm really hoping I'm right, and she has somehow done something to make Lex act so weird, but on the other hand I don't want Lex to be hurt. If she is a phony then Lex has already been hurt, a lot. 

I'm going to take Chloe's advice and look into Desiree. It's not like it would hurt anybody, and if I find out that everything is fine I never have to tell Lex about this. If I'm right and she has done something to him, I don't care what it takes; I will get him away from her.


End file.
